28 March, 2026

It's still a mystery to me, dreams and all.

Also some of the early mornings feeling wide awake even though I slept late, then the days I feel so sleepy after 8 hours of sleep. I used to track my deep sleep, to see if there's any difference with supplements like ashwaganda, magnesium, vitamin B, no melatonin thanks. I used to be so obsessed with hacking my sleep, I got earplugs, eye masks, nose strips and taped my mouth.

All that for a good sleep, for waking up fresh because the differences between a well slept day and a sleepy day is huge, mood wise especially, I feel a lot happier.

Like writing, I haven't been taking care of my sleep last year. It's not that I don't prioritise it, it's the new lifestyle, new workplace, new me I suppose. When I was working remotely I thought if I go to office everyday I would be so tired at night, and it'll be easier for me to fall asleep. That's not the case it seems, 5 days a week of commute and often working overnight, it's a lot more stable now but I don't want to jinx it.

I still care as much as I can though, like the tapes, masks and plugs I still use them. We bought 20 packs of nasal strips in Hokkaido's donki shop because we can't find that anywhere else. It's a game changer for people with sinuses, every night I can finally breathe like how a normal person would, every morning I don't want to take it off.

Mouth tape is another gem, for me perhaps, without it I wake up with extremely dry mouth. I remember using actual tapes in the beginning and the skin around my lips became red because of it, looked like a clown the next day, a happy well slept clown, good tradeoff.

Deep sleepers are blessed, when I see energetic people I automatically assume that they are deep sleepers, and I'm envious of them, not having to do any of these to get a good night of sleep, to wake up feeling well rested, to have more clarity and be happier than us light sleepers, good for you.

I need to set rules, I have an alarm to tell me to go to bed. Back then my phone automatically goes into sleep more, it's basically Do not disturb but with a few whitelisted app and some people to contact me. A friend told me she turned off the internet when she sleeps, at first I was jarred but come to think of it, if it's urgent enough people will try different methods to reach us, and phone call is definitely one of them, I'm getting close but I'm not there yet, I need Wi-Fi for my dreams.

It's not all bad though, I've developed a great habit because of my sleep troubles, I started reading before bed. My dad told me that it's a terrible idea because we need to calm our mind down before bed, listening to slow songs or something. I took his advice partially, went with light fiction and classics before bed and it was great, though some nights I just can't put the book down, especially 1984 and Siddhartha.

There were many nights I look forward to read, to know what happens next, or to be absorbed by the Hemmingway's prose. Dull books make it easier to fall asleep, what a win-win situation we got here, it's the best medicine for sleep.

Before I start taking care of my sleep, every night I would turn off all the lights, doom scroll Reddit until I fall asleep. Now I still do sometimes but with Hackernews, I find myself justifying that it has more value, but is that true? I could still doom scroll for hours, and it's definitely ruining my sleep by leaving my mind too active, and the next morning waking up feeling like I haven't rested at all.

The thing is, I know the benefits of sleeping and I know how to sleep better, it's strange that I still doom scroll now, my mind still seek for that cheap dopamine. Sometimes I wonder is it because of the dull books or some that I just don't want to read, like The Last Lecture, I literally did a google search with this exact sentence because I forgot the title of this book — "book computer science professor dying", I'm sorry if you like that book but I just couldn't finish it.

That's the point of this post, I'm typing all these to find out, but I'll experience it mindfully first, so good night!

30 March, 2026

Skipped a night because I had a very bad headache, I was trying so hard to fall asleep but I just couldn't, I just kept reading and my eyes closed, but still woke up in the end because of the pain, so I took a few medicine and they knocked me off. I'm feeling better today though, let's go back to what happened two night ago.

I said good night but I didn't sleep right away, instead we went out to have supper, just 10 wontons and it was quite unforgettable. There was a guy came to our table asking for some cash so he can buy some food for his children, we rejected but he didn't give up and came another two times, asking that if we can just pay for the meal he ordered.

There were cats literally screaming at each other, empty tables around us, I was feeling so uneasy I couldn't wait to leave. We finished the 10 wontons in less than 15 minutes, paid and left, told ourselves that this is a message from God telling us not to stay up and eat this late, never again.

Back then during the three years of sleeping early, I skipped a lot of plans, I don't go out for drinks anymore. There's one time after a badminton session we decided to visit Genting Highlands, we left home at around 10pm, went to a bar and I ordered coffee because there's nothing else I want to drink there. I had coffee after midnight, so I can stay awake because I'm too used to sleeping early.

We went to the casino, it's my first time there I didn't gamble, not my kind of thing, and it's surprising to me to see how dull the place seems, even with all the lights and sounds, the emotions on people's faces are unforgettable to me, maybe it's the coffee affecting my mood, maybe that's why the cats screaming affected me so much.

Back then before the three years of sleeping early I used to stay up every night, there's a familiar feeling, cold air really quiet, I waited until my parents deep asleep I drove out to buy a few cans of beer, I remember setting an alarm at around 1 or 2am for this, all for a fix.

Those were the nights I want to sleep in a flash and wake up, no bad dreams.

I used to believe that we have two minds, one that could not shut up, the other one to shuts the other up, so every morning the one noisy one wakes up earlier the other one, and that's how we got morning journals, how it's better to meditate in the morning, so we can find other ways to shut it up. Back when I didn't know, doomscrolling is my way of shutting it up.

Then things happened, became sad and try to bounce back, sleep is the first thing I chose to fix, it was the best decision ever. Kept it simple, no devices after 10pm, no coffee after 1pm, I bet I gave up after a few days, I don't remember. I think it's what Charles Duhigg mentioned in Power of Habit, it's my keystone habit, or it just happen to be that one thing that needed everything else to be fixed, to fix sleep.

Stop drinking, stop binging, eat healthy, exercise, journal, meditate, read, all these just for a slightly better night of sleep. The best part is that it gets easier because clarity helps, better memory and remembering especially.

I used to think that we need to have good memory to be happier, so it's easier to remember the happy days, to bounce back up, to reason with ourselves with the things that we remember, there's just more things to bring into the court and justify, just stumbled upon this quote today in my collection.

There's too much bad news to justify complacency. There's too much good news to justify despair.

It's left to our clarity, how awake we are to be aware of these, and I've spent my whole life half asleep, struggling to be present. When I was awake I paid more attention to the surroundings, I remember even being awed by a flower while walking to work one time, to a point I almost teared up.

I'm his girlfriend and his typing is super noisy

31 March, 2026

She wrote that when I let her read what I've written last night, I was in the zone, typing without stopping, that's the feeling I was searching for in the previous entry, of writing. After that I lay down and finished reading Bird by Bird, it's so good, definitely one of the best books I've ever read, that last paragraph especially, I don't want to spoil it here, go read the book if you haven't, it's a wonderful book.

After that I went outside my room to look for another book to start, took Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, I bought this a month ago and I was looking forward to it after reading David & Goliath and The Tipping Point, but after the introduction and first chapter, I realise I've actually listened to the audiobook before, I've actually forgotten about it.

It's not the first time, I remember it happened before with The Subtle Art of you know what, I've listened to the audiobook years ago so many parts of the book felt familiar to me, wait, I'm still unsure whether I read the book or watched a YouTube video that talks about it. That's because I stopped reading a few times in my life, and I thought I read it during the last time before I stopped, and that was years ago.

Last night I didn't remember even though I didn't stop, it's because I haven't been sleeping well for the last few months, and it's affecting my memory to confidently thinking that I haven't read Blink before, or maybe I just watched a video talking about it. I stopped reading but the word contempt from the first chapter stuck in my head, it gives me an uneasy feeling, lingered for the next whole day, definitely affected my mood.

When I put down that book, I thought I could have a mind bleach or something so I took Murakami's Hear the wind sing, I heard about this book from his running book. This is his first novella, the one that he won a contest with, and it's actually really nice to read. I was hooked by the introduction and first chapter and I couldn't put it down, looked at the time and it's midnight already.

It's back to back, bird by bird and Murakami's running book that got me here writing again, after a year long slumber.

I'm now more interested in books that feels personal, Malcolm Gladwell, I used to like it, but reading it now it feels difficult to connect to the author, Murakami is the opposite, it's exactly what I wanted. Spent all day today with the word contempt in my mind, and at the same time really looking forward to continue reading Hear the wind sing.

I finally felt sleepy enough, finally willing to put the book down last night, and turned off the lights, took the eye mask off her and wore it and fell asleep immediately. Next morning I woke up feeling drowsy, not enough sleep, that noise in my mind again, it's still there after my meditation, maybe I need to double the duration next morning because it might be immune to it already.

I don't want to wake up, I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to lay in bed and continue sleeping. It's strange some mornings I woke up and I can't sleep back even though I slept really late. Above I mentioned about that night I went Genting Highlands, I wanted to mention that I went to bed at 6am and woke up at around 8am and I can't sleep anymore, it's absurd.

Clocks in our heads, telling us it's time to wake up, or the lack of blackout curtains, eye mask fell off. I did an eye test many years ago and the specialist told me that my eyes don't fully shut, that explains why a bit of sun wakes me up.

When I was working remotely, I had the privilege to wake up long after the sun comes up, but after learning about how waking up by sunlight was important, I setup an automated light alarm with Apple Home, setting the yellow warm lights to increase the brightness a little by little every few minutes until the time I'm supposed to wake up, do you see how much effort I put into improving my sleep, and I don't even remember if it worked, I mean, if it did I would still be doing it today right?

Before I had the privilege to wake up after the sun rises, mornings gave me an impression of cold, quiet, dark, taste like toothpaste, unwillingness. I had to wake up at 5am or 6am to catch the commute or drive to class or work. I remember turning on the TV when I was a kid in one of these mornings, the same music videos, it's always either Jordin Sparks's No Air or Chris Brown's With You, I'll never forget that badass sidekick from the music video.

Those were also the moments of my life when I thought I was a genius by setting an hour before the time to wake up, so I get to experience the sensation of sleep in, only to wake up and hour later, this was before I learn about deep sleep and I was definitely messing up, this explains why I always sleep in class, or explains why I'm always drowsy now no matter how much I sleep, accumulated all the ruined sleep over decades, thank you younger me, you gave me this sleepy feeling that I'm having right now, which is nice, it's easier for me to go into the zone, type without thinking much.

Above I also mentioned about the two minds, maybe my logical mind is asleep right now, that's why my fingers are typing without stopping, the feeling mind is taking over the motors, typing whatever comes to mind. My eyes are closing, I feel like sleeping, maybe I should stop here so I can at least read one of two pages of Murakami, let's continue tomorrow, cheers.

2 April, 2026

I slept at around 11pm and woke up at around 12am last night and I couldn't sleep back, this time I didn't allow myself to leave the bed, so I finished Murakami's Hear the wind sing, it's actually really nice.

I had this temptation to know what others think about it, so I took my phone and browsed Reddit, huge mistake. Turns out Pinball is not only the sequel, there's also A Wild Sheep Chase, and I can't wait to read the remaining books.

Took me awhile to finally fall asleep, there's just too many comments to read and my mind was so active because of it. Weirdest thing is that the next morning I actually woke up before the alarm rings, my body clock is all messed up.

I remember feeling awake when I got up, even though I had less than 6 hours of sleep the whole night. I made breakfast and did a few reps of pull ups, took a shower and felt great.

Today is quite unusual, what's usual to me is the slight numb feeling, like something slightly blocking my ears, like I'm slightly separated from the world. There's usually a weird taste in my mouth as well, like some metal taste or something, body feels weak and I tend to stutter, or struggle to form a proper sentence.

When it's worse I might have some hallucination, or sometimes I would think that I'm living in a simulation. Just today I got a random journal of April 2nd 2023, what are the odds, it's Math.random() of over 900 entries and I got April 2nd.

Another odd, but funny, coincidence I had was last Sunday at the saloon, I saw a full length mirror with a time 11:11am on it, so I looked down at my watch it's 11:12am, and the next hour I actually believed that it's a smart mirror, until I looked back at it, it's still 11:11am, in a simulation!

There's a lot more but I can't remember any of it, lack of sleep hurts my memory so much it's a miracle that I'm still here typing after having so little sleep last night. I actually made it until 11pm, finally passed the dangerous sleeping time.

It's planned of course, I bought tickets to watch Mario Galaxy even though the reviews were alright, it seems like something that could keep me awake, a visual treat, exciting kids action movie, and I actually almost fell asleep, I actually closed my eyes a few times, struggling so hard to stay awake.

I'm glad we went to watch it, because on the way back we noticed how empty the road is, usually it would take us over 40 minutes, today it took us less than 20 minutes, I said we should watch more movies, she said that why not let's go to the gym after work, why didn't I think of that, lack of sleep bad memories I suppose.

Lack of sleep also makes me hungrier, which I'm feeling it right now, even though I just had 2 eggs after we came back home. I remember reading somewhere that this is our primal instinct, lack of sleep means there's danger and we need to have enough calories for us to run anytime, that explains the paranoia and negative thoughts, it's just our body's primal defence system doing its best, no wonder.

16 April, 2026

Had a chat with a colleague this evening, he's moving in to the place that I just moved out from few months ago, I asked him why didn't he consider other places, somewhere with more people around. He said that it's because of the mosque and he's a light sleeper. I said the same thing before, can't believe he's the same, I don't really have many light sleeper friends, the only one I know well is my dad, but he always drinks coffee at night so, I don't know.

I told him that it's the same for me in this new place, but my body tends to adjust itself and I don't near them anymore in the morning now, sometimes still, but rarely now.

Few days ago I had this conversation with another colleague, he said that he wakes up at 4am everyday, no matter what time he sleeps, he can wake up without any alarm, it's his body clock. This is the best way to wake up, without any alarm to interrupt our deep sleep, waking up naturally is the dream.

I'm charging my apple watch now, it has ran out of battery for so many months. I used to wear it to sleep every night because I love the alarm. It's not the usual alarm, it's the one where you only get to set when you set a bedtime focus or something. Every morning, it starts from a slow, light tap, then gradually increase the rate until you wake up.

It feels like someone tapping you lightly to wake up, and it's a godsend. No noise, just vibration, and waking up softly, that's one of the best thing I did to have a good rest. I remember that, but I don't remember why I stopped. It could be the fear of missing the alarm because it's so subtle, it could be because I got a new watch, it could be because I have to go to the office now, I've stopped doing that for over a year.

Now I set two alarms, 5 minutes apart, so in case I missed the first one, which I rarely do, there's a second one to make sure I wake up, it's like a forced snooze.

That's why I'm charging the apple watch, I want to go back to waking up with a light tap again, I miss that.