2 May, 2026

I don’t believe in god, I don’t have a religion, I never had a god in my life, what happens after death is a little bit of movies, a little bit of hearsay, mom said that we’ll end up in heaven, dad said that we’ll born again in a different soul, movies depict heaven, stories from funerals, wall arts of the 18 levels of hell, that’s my perspective of religion, that forms my beliefs, of god, of heaven, of hell, of this world.

Existential crisis because I have no idea where I’m from and where I’ll be going, I always have this impending doom feeling, death might be a quiet, shut off from the world, cease to exist, like before we born, we’re no one, there’s just nothing of us in this before the time begins, there’s stars that were created from the big bang, there were light, there’s no Jesus, no Allah, no Buddha, no Hindu god I don’t know, Jewish god I don’t know, there’s no before life no afterlife, that’s a fear I have instilled in me my whole life.

A chapter from Dale Carnegie’s how to stop worrying book said that we all should join a religion, not for beliefs but for the community, to stop worrying. Maybe that’s why I’ve been anxious, everyone else have this community they belong to, they get to attend to every weekend, and I, on the other hand, trying my best to look for it from school, from classes, from board game meet-ups, from club and society, from work, from anywhere I could, and they have all somewhere closer to them, somewhere to feel safe at every week, a home to them.

To explain and calm them down when existential crisis comes, which I just had it last night. It often happens when I wake up in the middle of the night to use the washroom, it’s that cold, quiet, dark moment, thoughts came to my mind, why am I here? What is it like before I was in this world, what happens after I die, where do I go? Am I such an animal breathing on this planet in the middle of nowhere, temporarily, this short blink or decades and then I disappear forever, for the next million of years, like how it was the previous millions of years, I’m an animal, I’m an object on this thing called earth, writing about my feeling, my fear here that comes once in awhile, usually in the middle of the night.

It’s amazing how most of the time I’m just so immersed into this, maybe it’s just because I’m too used to it, maybe it’s just because the feeling of not being able to do anything, the insufferable feeling of, the inability of, the stuck in this place what can I do?Maybe it’s religion that is the most effective way to handle this, people saying comforting things, trying to cope, saying that because we’re here for a short time, so we need to be more appreciative, we need to be more aware, why would I want to be stuck in here forever right? What do I really want from this? Do I want to be god? Do I want to know that I’m bigger than what I am here? That there’s something like heaven waiting for me in the end? Like I’ve just forgotten what is there before birth but there’s something? I want to know if there’s more than all this, I want to comfort myself by knowing these answers that I’ll never be able to get.

Is this the struggle of all the freethinkers in the world? Maybe I’m just too stupid to not join a religion, maybe I’m worrying about all these all for nothing, but when there really is a god watching us from up there, maybe I don’t even need to feel all that fear again and again, it’s just a waste of energy, maybe I’m just making a fool of myself, making this more challenging that it’s supposed to, riding a bike with single wheel while others have a tricycle, maybe I need to give religions a second chance, maybe it’s just not coping as I thought they are doing, maybe they have all the proof to show me that it’s worth it, come to think of it, even if they don’t have the proof, even if there’s no god no afterlife, they lived a better life with less worries, they lived the most out of it with a slight disappointment after dying to find out that there’s nothing, isn’t that better?

That sounds so much better.