26 April, 2026

Just reached 30, I've had the most wonderful thirty years of my life. I'm grateful of the people in my life, I remember one solo hike I did many years ago, on the way down this thought came to my mind, there's too many people to thank in this world, it's impossible to actually thank them all, I was feeling so overwhelmed, in a good way, I was in tears.

I don't really like birthday, it's not because of the spotlight to my introversion, it's the problem I have with what I think I deserve. It's the day I deserve to have a cake, to be happy, it's in the song I'm entitled to it. Can't help but to expect more from the day, from the people around me unconsciously.

Ever since I read The Go-Giver, it's implanted in me to give more than take, to not expect anything in return, it's not implanted deep enough because it slides out of me once every year. Once a year I become less of who I am usually, and I'm not proud of it, maybe I didn't become less of who I am but instead I'm just revealing the inner me, that entitled me.

It's not always that bad, one year I remember I had a trip with my mom and grandma, it was really wonderful. We talked so much, she told me about the time she gave birth to me, that night I laid in the bathtub and held my breath, when I come out of the water it feels like I'm reborn again, it's definitely memorable.

There's one year I travelled alone, almost missed the bus on the last day, I had to run and my birthday cake was all messed up in my bag, when I arrived home it was 4am, I was sitting in the kitchen eating the mashed cake, I can still remember the mango flavour, it was amazing.

There were many years I was drunk, I'm trying my best to remember most of them but I can't, only this one during the lockdown we were in a video call, it was nice we played some drawing game, lost contact with most of them now, especially since I stopped drinking.

I wish I can say age is just a number, friends getting married at this number. I still think it's still a number, time is a construct, we're in this floating rock for a few decades. There are things that takes a few numbers for me to actually realise, no matter how many times people try everything they can to make me realise, it took years and I'm still discovering, still writing here to be more aware.

Still I feel that I spent my 20s well, thanks to the people around me, I owe them so much love, it's such a rocky road, I've bumped so many people off the ride, I'm on a less rocky road now, and holding them tight so they don't fall off.

I'll keep holding on to you.